Should I charge the guy who sexually assaulted me on Venmo?


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this picture came up when I googled “girl money”

Y’ALL: Please note from the title, this post is about a sexual assault. If that is triggering to you, reminder to be kind to yourself bbs.

One particular Thursday evening last year, after several hours of drinking and merriment, I brought a guy home. I met him that night at a bar and we made out there. He was tall so he seemed like a worthy person to bring home.

We walked to my apartment, made some small talk with my roommates, and moved onto my bedroom. We started to kiss and gradually became undressed. It was at this point I declared “I don’t think we should have sex.” I said this to avoid any confusion. I can do whatever I want with my body and that night, I chose not to have sex. 

I had been wearing cargo pants and a bodysuit with snaps at the bottom. The danger in wearing a bodysuit (and I think this should be listed on the tag) is that once that thing is unsnapped, you’re vulnerable. If there is one thing you, the reader, take away from this let it be the fact that hooking up in a bodysuit is a high risk situation.

In this case, the guy saw the vulnerability as an opportunity. About 10 minutes after stating that I did not think we should have sex, he began having non-consensual sex with me without a condom. Just in case Liam Neeson is reading this, the guy was and still is WHITE.

I want to point out here that putting aside the lack of consent (which men do frequently), having sex without a condom is an extremely intimate act and should follow a conversation between both people involved where they agree to do it. I definitely used to be more careless but now I just don’t trust anyone for shit and I want a physical layer of protection. I could have voiced that if I had been asked, but I wasn’t. Unprotected sex was happening to me in my own bed.

There are a few things I could have done in this moment. 

I could have pushed him off of me. 
I could have told him I was uncomfortable. 
I could have asked him to leave. 

Unfortunately, succumbing to what was happening seemed like the easiest option so that’s what I did. I remember thinking ugh, I said I didn’t want to do this. And I remember being annoyed. 

(For those who have followed my posts on here previously (maybe 3 people), you know that this is the second time this has happened to me, the first time being when I was 20 years old. I guess whenever my Saturn returns I’m gonna get assaulted? Unsubscribe. If Liam Neeson is still reading this, that guy was also white.)

After the sex, he told me he had an early meeting or something and had to head home (classic). That was honestly F I N E with me because I didn’t really want to wake up next to him. The thought of exchanging niceties with this person in the morning light made me feel sick. I also hadn’t fully processed what the events that occurred and it would be easier to do that by myself.

Friday

I woke up early. I hadn’t slept well. It was that hot, restless, drunk sleep. More than anything else I felt that morning, I was angry that my wishes had not been respected. I wasn’t even upset yet. I did not mention the details of what happened to anyone because I wanted to brush it off. Thank u, next as Shakespeare once said!

In the evening, the guy texted me to see how my day was. Fine I guess??

Saturday

I had therapy and briefly mentioned it. My therapist asked me how I was feeling and I said “It sucks but it is what it is.” True!

Monday

I had some irritation over the weekend. VAGINAL irritation that is! On Monday, I began to experience the symptoms of a bacterial infection. If you’ve never had a vaginal bacterial infection, I’ll tell you right now It’s both convenient and awesome!

I called my doctor’s office and told them my symptoms. The woman on the phone said “We can either give you a gel or an oral antibiotic. With the oral antibiotic, you can’t drink and with the gel you can’t have sex.” Choose between no sex or no drinking? My initial thought was Can I take both? 

I opted for gel, breezing right past the fact that I got BV because I had non-consensual sex without a condom. I used the gel as directed (insert daily 💕) and waited for it work.

Over the next few days, I told my sister and some close friends what really happened. It was weighing on me all week, as I grappled with whether or not I should say something to this dude and explain that what he did was wrong. He had texted me asking to hang out, so I knew that he didn’t think it was wrong. I definitely did not want to see him again but as far as turning this into a learning moment for him, I was still weighing my options.

Saturday

I’ve had bacterial vaginosis before so I know the symptoms and generally how long it takes to go away. Except this time, after using the gel for a few days, I began bleeding, which has never happened before. 

I completely freaked out. 
I felt a pit in my stomach. 
I called my doctor’s answering service. 

My doctor is the shit and she texted me right away.

I teared up, explaining my symptoms and the situation. I have an IUD so pregnancy wasn’t really a concern but what if he gave me something? I have no idea who he’s slept with or what he might have exposed me to. My doctor told me that everything was going to be OK and that I should come in on Wednesday to get some tests done.

Sunday

At this point, the entire thing was weighing on me heavily. I wasn’t sleeping. I was so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I’m 27 years old!

I had to drive from my parents’ house back to the city. Before I left, my mom asked me what was going on. I started crying. I told her I was just tired because I wasn’t sleeping well.

When I got to my apartment, I wrote my mom a very long-winded text explaining everything. I almost didn’t tell her because I was scared of how she would react. I knew she wouldn’t be mad at me. I knew she would be worried. That’s somehow worse. She called me right away. She was worried. I cried a lot.

I also had to call my boss in tears to tell her that I had to take a half day on Wednesday to get tests done. She was understanding, compassionate, and empathetic. 

Wednesday

My doctor gave me a big hug when I went to get checked out. I cried a little more. She did whatever it is doctors do when you have a sheet on your lap and your feet in those stirrup things. Do they take samples? Do they swab? Do they wave a magic wand? IDK.

I got tested for a buncha stuff and a few days later, the tests came back negative. Some of the major infections aren’t detectable until 6 months after exposure so I get to go back and do that. Something to look forward to ;)

2 months later

This brings us to the present. As time passes, the stings from these experiences grow a little less intense. I think if the physical remnants hadn’t been there, I could’ve repressed it on Friday. It would resurface in a couple years or whenever we nominate the next Supreme Court justice. I could’ve dealt with it then!

I decided not to text him about it. I’ve gone through the possible reactions and the correct one, which would be for him to say, “I’m so sorry I did that. I had no idea you felt that way about it and I’ll be better” seems highly unlikely. 

Some people reading this will probably wonder if the guy was a comedian. He is not a comedian he’s a normie. So I can’t even blackmail him for a writing job!

I never really considered pressing charges. I was drunk, I chose to bring him home, and in my stand-up, I talk about being promiscuous. I’ve seen enough SVU to know that my case would never hold up in court. I’m also not interested in ruining anyone’s life. I fear it would ruin mine instead of his, anyway.

I get angry when I think about the fact that he got to close my apartment door on Thursday night, immediately after it happened, and never give it a second thought. I had to and will continue to deal with the physical and emotional damage.

In the midst of the #MeToo movement, I’m led to believe that men are cautious, apprehensive, and scared. I don’t know where those men are but I have yet to meet any of them. You would think that in 2019, when men allegedly have everything to lose, they would be more careful as the tweets, headlines, and quotes suggest. In my experience, they’re not.

I had mostly blocked it from my mind until last week, when a bill from the lab arrived. The total cost was over $1,810.55. NEARLY TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS to test a swab (?) from my vagina. I can only imagine that it cost this much because my vagina is perfect, sacred, and holy so they sent it to the best, fanciest lab tech at the best, fanciest lab in the country. 

insurance paid $1388.72, leaving me with $421.83 to pay. If Republicans don’t want women to speak out about sexual assault, give us better healthcare so we can suffer in silence.

Now I’m left with a decision. I’ve been held physically responsible for his actions. Should I also be fiscally responsible for them? There’s still a sizable balance to be paid and we live in a time where there is often open, digital access to those who have wronged us. 

Do I pay the bill and move on? Or do I find the bastard and charge him $422 on Venmo? 

I’ve chosen the former. I’m just going to pay the stupid fucking thing myself. 

So now, I want to speak directly to all of the “scared men” who have made it this far. Take your fear and put it into action. Stop assaulting people. 

If you are a victim of sexual assault, you are not alone. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.