To all the boys I've texted before

At the end of each year, people love to take time to reflect on the experiences of the past 12 months. I’m not sure how much it accomplishes, but I’ll be damned if I don’t partake in some way. 

I decided to make a year-end list involving two topics I care deeply about: texting and boys. I’ve done my fair share of texting boys this year but there were a few instances that really stuck out and each one taught me something. I’m going to share them with you below. If you’re a guy I’ve texted this year reading this and you’re scared you made the list, you probably didn’t but maybe set aside a few moments to reflect on your actions!! Here are the top 8 texts I received from guys in 2018.

08. What does this have to do with anything?

This text was from my brother’s friend who is very defensive of men in regards to the #metoo movement. I’m really confused by where he falls politically but I don’t dare open that dialogue. Not now, not ever. He texted me this headline (???) unprompted about the Asia Argento story, which I ignored. Seven days later he texted again just to see what I was up to!!

LESSON: Guys are weird.

07. A bold ask

I feel like there’s two types of guys: those who aggressively ask for butt pictures and those who don’t. This is a guy from Hinge who brought it up out of the blue. See I fell asleep (I do that sometimes at night) while we were texting about nonsense but we had not previously discussed butt pictures. The twist? He then sent me a picture of his own butt.

LESSON: Butt pics should be earned.

06. That’s gonna be a no from me, dog :)

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You know when you’ve been on a flight and you’re excited to turn off airplane mode and get that influx of texts you received while flying through the sky? I got that feeling back in July when I landed in NYC coming back from LA... until I got this text. I had Bumble for about 3 days in 2017 and I met this guy. We went on a few dates and then he would text me some weird shit every few months. This was the last straw!

LESSON: Don’t hesitate to block someone at the first sign of trouble.

05. Nooooo

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in June, I got a text out of the blue from someone who had ghosted me 6 months earlier. Zero contact in 6 months. I called that out (as any person would) and he said “don’t read into it too much" which is extremely condescending?? Then I made a very clever callback to a convo from before the ghosting and he used that as an opportunity to tell me he “copped a new pair [of jeans] from wardrobe” and if you’re not in show biz, you might not realize this is a total B R A G. You should know that following this exchange, I did go to his apartment and he did pull the same shit he pulled in December of the previous year.

LESSON: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... still shame on you stop try to fool me you fucking jerk. 

04. That’s a bit weird but OK go off sis :)

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I text the super in my building when I need to retrieve packages after my doorman has gone home for the day. My super only speaks Spanish so I use Google Translate to text him (bc I am an ally). All was seemingly well until I got this text that read “OK.. I care about you a lot... I go to the church I always ask GOD to protect you.” I assumed he was just being sweet (?)! Things got progressively more inappropriate over time but those messages were sent over WhatsApp so they are disqualified from this list for aesthetic purposes.

LESSON: Ser amable me v a matar. Being nice is going to get me killed.

03. Lol what?!

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Things with my super have escalated to a point where I should probably tell the management company but I don’t want to get him fired. There was a guy I was seeing for most of this year (non-exclusively) and I had explained the whole situation to him previously and he told me to text him if I ever felt unsafe so I did :) and this was his response :)))))) A tempting offer!!!! I think he thought I was trying to trick him into coming over for sex? Weird flex. On a positive note, I got a very good bit out of this exchange.

LESSON: Sleeping with someone for 8 months does not mean we're friends.

02. No worries, feel free to text anytime

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Around 4PM on a Thursday in January, I was sitting at work and I got a text from someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while. The guy who sexually assaulted me seven years ago! I had seen him since (because we have a mutual friend) but we definitely hadn’t texted in years. He started the convo asking how comedy is going and then transitioned into essentially asking me if he raped me. As a general rule for any guys who made it this far, if you have to ask, the answer is probably yes. Despite texting me in the middle of a workday about a devastating trauma, I was really nice to him about it!!!! Like... I’m embarrassed about how nice I was.

LESSON: If this comes up again, be a bitch.

01. 🥇

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Honestly, the other seven texts could be shuffled around oh the list depending on where Mercury is in its orbit–this was the clear winner for me. I think about it most days. In October, I was having a particularly bad day at work. I had a date to look forward to that evening and I was *excited* about it. I took a SoulCycle class on my lunch break and when I got out, I had this text waiting for me, which I found out three hours later was definitely not a joke. Fortunately, the hot dog party was rescheduled so we did go out for ice cream that night and he did use that as opportunity to put me in the friend zone. (This was after we slept together so I was like “Totally! Of course we can be friends.”)

LESSON: Stop sleeping with guys.

Well there you have it! Lots of great moments I wish I could relive again and again. I hope everyone sent and received some amazing texts this year! Don’t forget that any upsetting text can be used later for comedic purposes. CHEERS TO 2019!!