by Mary Beth Barone and Greg Barone
Thank you so much for having us here today, to explain how our company is disrupting an entire industry and how we can help you also become disruptors as well. As you’ll notice, the company name is a word with the vowels removed and that’s exactly how we work. We work out of a WeWork and we work lean. We reduce inefficiencies and we eliminate waste. We are a full-stack, data-mining organization.
What we do is organize and analyze your data so your company can be more data-driven. We are omni-channel–yes, that’s multiple channels, all of them, in fact. We will take all of your company’s information from web, ecommerce, retail, social, in-person, and direct mail and we don’t just compile it, we also compute it. We literally turn your data into data. We’ve created a communication loop between you and the numbers that’s constantly circling back. It’s a continuous circle!
We will streamline the backend so you know exactly where your consumers are coming from and which touchpoints are driving revenue. We call these Revenue Drivers, but you won’t find these guys behind the wheel of a car haha. If you did, you better believe they would be driving Teslas. We will re-org your marketing funnel to make it more effective while we decrease user acquisition cost and increase customer retention and lifetime value. That’s a decrease in UAC and an increase in CLV. Big becomes small and small becomes big. We optimize your audience to broaden market share. You just won’t get this anywhere else! With the latest customer segmentation technology, we don’t help you reach your consumer, we help your consumer reach you. They’ll be begging you to give them what they want, what they never even knew they needed. And they will be paying you for it. They don’t need it, but they think they do. And that’s what we’re going to do for you.
Now you might be asking How? That’s simple. We take all of your softwares and we channel them into a dashboard. This dashboard is highly digestible and actionable. Transparency. It will keep the health of your business top of mind through the monitoring of Key Performance Indicators (KPIs). Your entire executive team is going to be able to see under the hood and make quick decisions based on the findings. Decisions that drive your business, decisions that drive you. That’s right–it’s a comprehensive data funnel. This is different than the marketing funnel because one is data and one is marketing. Six? Try Twelve. 2X? Try 3X. You might be thinking Is that users or dollars? and the answer is YES.
Right now we're just a logo, a decal on window. We have stickers. Designed by the soon-to-be-famous street artist FLÖRG. Here, take a few. Actually a bunch. Please. We have a lot. But we're GOING to be huge. We’re going to be working with fortune 500 hundred companies. That’s right: fortune five hundred-hundred. It’s completely new frontier built on patented technology and you’ll be at the forefront. We are an energized team made up of rockstars, self-starters, ninjas, and evangelists. Our office at the co-working space has beers on tap. We have unlimited vacation days, which no one uses. No one has to worry about job security because we don’t even have an HR department. Sexual harassment claims? Not an issue. Our entire company is men. And we don’t have internal issues with discrimination based on race because we are all white. Happy employees equals happy customers! Your employees are your biggest advocates. But you already knew that!
We don’t have HAVE the product yet, per se, haha. It’s in beta. Well, it’s in pre-beta. That’s where you come in. You tell us what you need, layout the requirements, and then you design it! From there, it’s simple: you build it. We just need you to clearly articulate to US what you need. We provide the roadmap, and we go from there. We'll take notes and SEND THEM DIRECTLY TO YOU. Once you have the minimum viable product (MVP), you continue to iterate until the you reach that final product. It’s so close you can taste it!
We accomplish this on our current operating budget because we have really big servers. They can handle anything you throw at them. Not in terms of full stack code, tech debt or volume, more like if you throw objects at them. Haha. These servers are sturdy as hell! It's like hitting the broadside of a barn. These are computers from 1960! They fill up a whole room! One computer, one room. That’s one to one. And that’s exactly what we do here at our company.
So what are you waiting for? We spent a bunch of money rebranding–new name, new logo, same room-sized computers. We are in our series B round of raising capital. Capital we can put into the business, and better serve you. Our website is still in the process of being built but our engineers are working around the clock. For now, we have a landing page that has all the info you need, plus specs on the umbrella company, which we use to maximize exposure and minimize liability. Look us up on TechCrunch. Now that you’ve heard all the amazing things we can do for your company, the only question is: any questions?